DADDYING IT: How to be a top notch birth partner

So she's pregnant. Now what?!

You have a few months to start preparing for the arrival of your tiny human so take a deep breath and take it slow. Let yourself acclimatise to this new promotion to fatherhood, you're going to be amazing.

You may not be physically growing your child but you still have a vital role in pregnancy and birth. 

So what can you do?

Firstly I'm going to qualify all of this with a bit of science. So we all have hormones surging round our bodies but OXYTOCIN is a magic juice for women. It was present in her body when you made your baby and it's the hormone that powers through labour and birth making the muscles of the uterus work with masterful efficiency. It also has huge role to play in her daily life with her deep connections and stress management. 

When you show her love, when she feels a rush of connection with you, oxytocin is present in her body making her feel great and creating superb bonds between you both as you enter a new phase of your life. A SUPER bonus is that oxytocin crosses the placenta wall and into your baby resulting in a happy, calm and emotionally nourished baby.  

HOW CAN I PREPARE FOR BIRTH?

• Reading and researching

A good bit of filling your brain with useful pregnancy, birth and parenting information will fill you with confidence. When you start researching a topic, you'll begin to discover the answer to questions you never realised you had. As you understand about what is happening to her body and your baby, your relationship with the process will deepen and you'll have a wealth of knowledge to call upon as you go through the journey of pregnancy and birth together. 

Be warned though, there's a lot of frankly patronising and sexist material out there aimed at fathers-to-be, so try before you buy ;).

• Listening

It's no secret that women like to chat. But it actually goes beyond that. Talking things through is how women manage their anxiety and this is intrinsically linked to the hormone responses in their bodies. The aim of the game is to keep those delicious oxytocin levels up and just sitting, listening to her is a super easy and effective way that you can do this. The testosterone in you will activate your desire to 'fix it'. Resist the urge to fix anything. Just listen, make the right noises and validate her feelings. Her brain will be awash with oxytocin and you'll gain great insight into her fears, desires and wishes for labour and birth. 

• Planning

Chat with your partner about the kind of birthing experience you both want. Use your new found knowledge of her feelings and birth to formulate some birth preferences that are right for all of you. As you discuss building your ultimate birth squad, you might want to explore the option of a Doula who can support you all preparing for birth, during birth and afterwards.

• Touch and massage

Whilst we have always known this, recent research has proven that human touch is a natural pain relief. And because of your relationship with your partner, your very touch will create a hormonal response in her. Endorphins (the body's natural pain relief) and oxytocin will fill her body and cross over into baby. She'll feel calmer, happier, supported and safe. Hugging her regularly throughout will make her feel great and deepen your relationship. Caressing her bump is a great way for you to bond with your unborn baby...you may even get some kicks in response (from baby, not her!). Light massage has an even greater positive effect.

• Preparation

Whenever possible, go to midwife, hospital or consultant appointments as well as scans. I also recommend attending antenatal preparation classes together. Courses like hypnobirthing will teach you a lot about how to become the ultimate birthing team. Another great course is Birthing4Blokes, an online preparation course written specifically for men by a male midwife (it's fab!). 

HOW CAN I SUPPORT HER DURING LABOUR AND BIRTH?

As her oxytocin levels increase in labour, your testosterone levels will do so also leading to an increased need to 'do something'. Here are some active ways to support your partner.

• Keeper of the birth zone

It's your very important role to ensure that the birthing environment is safe and nurturing. You will have chatted about how she wants the space to be: maybe dimmed lights, comfort, people in the room etc.

• Take care of yourself

In order to care for your partner, you need to care for yourself. To maintain your energy eat, drink and take some breaks...don't forget to pack your own snack filled hospital bag too :).

• Take care of her

Prompt her to eat and drink to keep her energy up and remind her to have a wee every now and then.

• Oxytocin booster

Your voice, your touch, your smell, are all reminders of safety, home, passion, comfort. Your nurturing presence and attentiveness will help keep her calm and maintain her oxytocin levels. Breathe with her, sway with her, hold her and tell her how amazing she is.

But your most vital role, is being the expert on her. You are the only one in the room that knows her thoughts, who can read her cues and who knows what you both want for you and your baby. Trust yourself and your instincts.

YOUR TINY HUMAN IS HERE: I'M A DAD!

• Ensure that your partner remains safe and nurtured during that first hour of motherhood (aptly named 'the Golden Hour') so that she can continue to ride her oxytocin high for as long as possible.

• Just 'be' in this moment. Hold fire with those announcement texts, tweets, emails, facebook status', snapchats, telegrams etc.

• Your baby knows you already but deepen that bond further by whipping off your shirt for some newborn skin to skin cuddles.

There are lots of wonderful things that come out of your involvement in the birthing process. But most powerfully, you are giving your family the very best start. 

Your new little team. 

#win

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This post was originally written for Norwich Mumbler: Local Parenting Community.  You can find this article and so much more info in this brilliant ebook (click on the image for the link):

SCORCHIO: Top tips for birthing in a heatwave

Photo by Ignacio Campo on Unsplash

Well isn't this British summer shaping up to be utterly glorious!! I'm not going to lie, I was traditionally English about the weather and have been awaiting a prophetic forecast of endless rain and Autumnal like temperatures. However, the browning grass in my garden and the endless blue skies have convinced me that old Helios is here to stay. So here I am, committing to flip flops and baring my hobbit feet. Sorry about that.

Both my babies are summer born. One human arrived in a record breaking hot June and the other human arrived during heavy downpours and punishing winds. Labour in the heat isn't piňa coladas and palm trees (unless you live in the tropics!). It's hot and sweaty and it's really important to maintain your energy. So here are my top tips to keep cool and energised.

1. FANS...all the fans

If you don't want your windows open whilst you labour at home, fill your house/flat with fans to keep the air moving and to provide cooling. Your midwife may well turn the fans off as you baby starts to arrive so that it isn't cold for your new tiny human. Those little battery-op hand fans connected to water bottles are great too as they blow a cooling mist around you that you may find less abrupt than a facial spritz. If/when you choose to transfer to hospital you can pop your portable cooling device in your bag. Tiger have them for sale for £3.

2. Cooling spray

A spray bottle with water in it is great for misting your face and refreshing you. You can get some really lovely facial spritzers with essential oils or you can make your own. Essential oils can be a great calming aid and reassuring emotional anchor. DO seek advice from a trained aromatherapist though as they will advise you on dilution proportions and appropriate essential oils for labour.

3. Cold water

Fill up some water bottles with water and have them in the fridge ready for labour. Don't forget that a straw in a bottle makes sipping water far easier as oppose to glugging. It also means your birth partner can just pop the straw into your mouth every now and then without having to interrupt your labouring flow.

Photo by Jennifer Pallian on Unsplash

4. Ice lollies*

Labour food is super important for keeping those energy reserves up. Pre-make lovely fresh fruit ice lollies and pop them in the freezer ready for sucking on in labour. You can purchase DIY ice lolly holders from most supermarkets and budget stores.

5. Frozen melon and frozen grapes*

Sugary, watery, cooling labour snack. Yumm! Chop up some honey dew melon (avoid watermelon as the pips will get pretty annoying!) and pop it in a tup or zip lock bag in the freezer. If you want to get all fancy you can even bring that melon baller your mother gave you from the 70s out of retirement. Chop grapes in half (long ways) before freezing too.

6. Flannels

Have a pile of flannels on hand for labouring at home so that a member of your birth squad can pop one under the cold tap and mop your brow or place them on your wrists and the back of your neck. Pop extra flannels in your birth bag for any hospital transfer. As a doula I go through quite a few flannels when I support a birth as they are often the overlooked birth bag must have.

7. Bath, shower, birth pool

Use water to cool you. Of course, you are unlikely to want to sit in a cold bath, but a tepid bath or shower will cool you down. Depending on where you are, what you have access to and your labouring situation will depend on what of those aquatic solutions you opt for. If you are birthing in water, the temperature will need to be warmer (34 – 37 C) your baby's arrival.

8. Clothing

Of course, you don't need to wear anything in labour. Although you might want to pop something on if you're moving to hospital. If you do choose to wear clothes, keep them lightweight, loose fitting and easy to remove if you get too warm.

9. After a hospital or maternity unit birth

Most maternity units and delivery suits are air conditioned or have fans. However, if you need to stay in the ward after you've had your baby, you may find that the they're not as well ventilated or cooled. So keep your flannels, hand fans and cool drinks on hand.

* A note about labour food: If you pop any pre-made things in the freezer, do make your birth partner aware of what you have prepared and where it is so that you don't have to give rummaging directions in the midst of labour. (I am totally assuming everyone has the 'lucky dip' freezer stacking style that I do). If you are planning on birthing in the hospital, pop a cool bag in the freezer so that your birth partner can decant your frozen snacks into the bag when he/she is preparing the rest of your bags for your transfer.

In the UK, we're not that used to roasting hot weather and even the non-pregnant among us can turn into sweaty, lethargic puddles. When you're pregnant, you have additional weight and blood flow which can make hotter temperatures more intolerable. But being hot in labour is not dangerous if it's just due to weather/air temperature and of course, you can be easily cooled. So get your retro on and dig out that melon baller, make some icey snacks (try not to eat them all BEFORE labour) and stay cool as a cucumber.

ABOVE ALL, be calm and confident. You've got this! You've been preparing for the day, you're going to meeting your baby soon, Yay!

The Doula UK Conference 2018 Roundup

On 24th March I trundled off to London for my first ever Doula UK Conference. The theme was 'Supporting Survivors' and it was an incredible day of information, community and sharing. I was bowled over when I was asked by Doula UK to write a review of the day. So here it is: 

The Sixth Annual Doula UK Conference…my first Doula UK Conference. My first thought upon being asked to write a report on the day was ‘how on earth does one even begin to summarise the experience without it looking a bit like a list of superlatives?!’ Spoiler alert: there will be lots of superlatives. They’re well deserved.
Launched over a technicolour sea of knitted bosoms and warm smiles were the words of the wise, the profound, the practical, the lyrical and the hilarious. The Sixth Annual Doula UK Conference had something for everyone with its impressive list of speakers and workshops presenting on the topic of ‘Supporting Survivors’.

TALKS

KICKI HANSARD: Nine Challenges in Childbirth for Survivors and Possible Solutions

Kicki launched the day with an insightful and hugely practical presentation. She shared her wisdom and experience of supporting survivors and shed some light on the many varied ways in which their histories may effect their emotional and physical responses to the birthing and parenting process. There were many valuable takeaways from this talk, but particularly useful were the range of potential triggers and how to anticipate
them even when you may not know that abuse has played a part in a woman’s life. Despite the recent unprecedented powerful #metoo campaign, it was still alarming to be confronted with some of the statistics around the prevalence of sexual abuse in our society. The biggest revelation for me was that a woman may not even remember that she is a survivor of abuse, but that experience is still internally logged. Kicki eloquently
and gently lead us through what that meant and how, as supporters of women, we should assume nothing about their story or how it has affected them. By the end of Kicki’s presentation there was a palpable passion promotion in the room and the glorious hum of “every woman should have a doula”.

MADDIE MCMAHON: Breastfeeding, Surviving or Thriving?

Maddie took to the stage to tell us a surprising story about women breastfeeding. This was not your usual boob story. This was about the very real and rarely mentioned breastfeeding trauma. Blimey, only the second talk into the day and I’m already on revelation number two! As the story unfolded we learnt how to identify breastfeeding trauma and how to use the doula superpowers of listening and signposting to support women. Maddie highlighted the value of the thriving breastfeeding relationship and the important role that doulas play in scaffolding and encouraging that in a politically entangled climate. She went on to expand on four very useful top tips for breastfeeding which should be in every doula (and indeed, mama), breastfeeding tool bag. I  particularly appreciated the opportunity to play with the knitted boobs adorning the tables (who wouldn’t?!). I always know a topic has fired me up when I’ve written on my notes: ‘google breastfeeding trauma’.

BRIDGET SUPPLE: Brian Connections and Trauma

I could listen to Bridget all day long. She packages up information in a way that makes the complex, clear, the profound, simple and the insurmountable, an achievable hurdle. Like any great teacher she came armed with a practical demonstration which she used to illustrate the ways in which neural pathways are created in the brains of human infants. It encapsulated why parental love, nurture and responsiveness are so crucial whilst also recognising the natural ebb and flow of life. It also served as an excellent visual to show that all is not lost when a baby does not receive a positive start in life and that as we grow, there is a chance always for change. This was a beautiful message generally for life. Bridget’s talk was a heady combination of informative and
uplifting and I for one found myself becoming quite emotional as she succinctly expressed my doula ‘why’. Doula support ripples out down the generations.

Dr DAINE S SPEIER and Mr RAJA GANGOPADHYAY: Holistic Strategies for Protecting Perinatal Mental Health

Consultant obstetrician Raja took us through the wide reaching effects of perinatal mental health, from infants in utero to immediate family relationships. He stressed the importance of communication within services supporting mothers and the important care that doulas provide. He had so much to share with us about his passion for improving the current systems that at times it was hard to keep up with him. I have certainly been inspired to read more about his exciting work. Diane’s focus was predominantly post-partum centred. She has created the handy acronym WELLNESS for parents which breaks down into eight areas of consideration
when creating a post-partum plan. Diane’s approach is a full body and mind nurture for the mother and family unit and is very aligned with the holistic support that doulas are so in tune with. It was a real joy learning from her wisdom and the energy medicine routine was the cherry on top.

HILARY LEWIN: Toolkit for Doula Self Care

The frankly radiant Hilary Lewin spoke about life as a professional doula and the ways in which we can keep our cups full. She covered topics such as setting rates, the practicalities of being on call and building your support network. It was lovely to hear about Hilary’s journey through setting up Doula UK and into her own therapy work and as the novice doula that I am, I felt a little star struck. As we sat there at our conference tables, looking up at the stage, it was clear that we were so very far away from a typical ‘red tent’, yet somehow, Hilary managed to bring the energy of the red tent to the room. There was dancing, laughing and sisterhood.

It is exceptionally hard to do any of these formidable speakers justice. In the brief time that they had, they all provided us with information upgrades, considerable food for thought, tools to use, and (arguably the most important of all) inspiration to find out more.

WORKSHOPS

It felt monstrously cruel to make us choose only two workshops to attend out of such an amazing line up but I appreciate that delegates and speakers might not have wanted to bed down at the venue for the night. Although if the excellent food had continued to flow all through the night I would’ve happily brought a sleeping bag and PJ’ed up to listen to Rebecca Schiller on human rights or had bedtime hot cocoa to Mark Harris’s mind-bending. Suffice to say that I cannot comment on all the workshops but I can tell you that my personal favourite was Dr Mari Greenfield’s workshop on her recent PhD work on Choices after Birth Trauma. Her session was so full of excellent information and some practical tips that I was left wanting more.

PERFORMANCES

DZIFA BENSON (poet)

Oh I could listen to this honey voiced wordsmith all day long. Dzifa’s poems struck at the heart of womanhood – softness, strength, vulnerability, power, sensuality. Her voice danced as she took us to underwater realms and mythological worlds. Her words resonated and enthralled. At times you could have heard a pin drop. As birth workers we are no strangers to discussions about language, debating semantics and verbal nuances. Sometimes this can all get a bit heavy and when it does, it is a gift to have memories of the way in which Dzifa sensitively and expertly composes language to paint emotions and moments of truth. It was a truly exquisite experience.

WILD! Laura and Kate (The Birth Project)

I never knew that it was possible to laugh hysterically whilst also experiencing pangs of sadness. Not until I saw WILD! that is. Such is the power of excellent satire. In a totally unexpected way, Laura and Kate took us on a journey through pregnancy and labour through the eyes of two women walking different paths. The butt of the jokes? Birth culture in all it’s messiness. For me, WILD! Could not have been a more perfect relief after a day of (amazing) mental loading. They were spot on at every turn with perspicacious jokes, animated actions, extensive video compilations and props galore. You’ve gotta love a prop basket!

I feel that I should also briefly mention the venue which was perfect in every way and the food which was superb! There was an unexpected breakfast buffet win and I am personally responsible for eating about 311 mini croissants. The lunch buffet was a smorgasbord of delight and the scrumptious snacks flowed at every break. Also, coffee on tap. Coffee. On. Tap. Enough said.

So there you have it. A run down on the Sixth Annual Doula UK conference. Like postcards of holiday destinations, this report hasn’t done the day justice. I haven’t mentioned the vibe, the giddy oxytocin atmosphere, the loving hugs, the gentleness, the passion, the tectonic shift that comes from being in a room full of intelligent, resourceful, inspiring, compassionate and loving humans. I haven’t been able to express how energising it is to come together to share and lift each other up. You’ll have to be there next year to find out for yourself what that’s like because no postcard will ever manage to capture that feeling. Of course, no report on the day would be complete without a heartfelt thank you to the incredible work done by so many to orchestrate such a wonderfully curated and jam-packed day. Bravo! Thank you Nikki Mather, Lizzie Jarvis and all involved.

Roll on next year…I can’t wait already!

• Favourite new word: Pudendum

• Favourite new fact: Breastfeeding trauma exists

• Favourite call to action that I acted upon: Show gratitude to those who keep your home
  fires burning

• Favourite new doula birth bag tool: Self belief

• Favourite surprise moment: Swimming in Dzifa’s words

• Favourite moment: All the doula hugs!

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Article was written by me and originally posted by Doula UK. Click HERE to be directed to the original piece.