Why is Labour Painful?

Why does my body hurt? 

Really think about that question. Hint: the answer isn’t ‘because the body is hurt’.

It’s our body communicating with us. The brain feels the pain.

My 1 year old, Jasper, was playing with a loose rock on a low ledge in the garden and he dropped it on his foot -> He felt pain -> He cried -> I came and gave him a cuddle and rubbed his foot -> he stopped crying and carried on with his playing. He had a bruise for a few days and about a week after the event he was in the same spot of the garden by the rock on the ledge. He played with it. He saw it wobbling. And do you know what he did? He shuffled his feet away from the ledge. The rock eventually fell and missed his foot. 

What you see here are two purposes of the communication between the body to the brain and the brain. The brain felt ‘pain’ so that it could achieve:

1. Immediate comfort to the damaged foot, and emotional comfort.

2. Learning.

Survival is a fundamental driver in so many aspects of our biology and our choices. 

What has this got to do with birth? 

The sensations of labour - how and why you have them and what influences them, is complex. Environment, physiology, emotional and psychological states, all play an intrinsic part in what labour feels like.

But if we go back to our story about Jasper and his reason for feeling pain and we apply that simplified logic to labour, perhaps we can look upon labour sensations as communication. Instead of the word ‘PAIN’ let’s use all the adjectives in our beautiful language to describe what we feel. Let’s think about what we specifically feel and where we feel it and for how long and in the context of the other sensations we’ve had. 

Then we begin to actually listen to the communication from our body. 

This communication might tell us about the baby’s position and that we need to rock, walk, lunge. It might tell us about where the baby is in the pelvis. It might tell us where we’re holding muscular tension so that we can soothe it, relax it and therefore allow space inside for our baby. It may tell us we need help. It may tell us we need to refuel with some food, or empty our bladder or slow down. It could be telling us that our fear is holding everything too tightly and we need to relax and let go. It may tell us many things but we can’t hear if we’re blinded by a single word - PAIN and a belief that labour exists to create a right of passage of suffering through which we must scream and bite and clench.

But how can we listen? 

PREPARATION

1. Understand your complete birthing physiology and how to optimise your birth hormones.

2. Discover how to be in emotional control and banish fear from your birth. 

3. Practice using other more specific words to describe pain. Such as: pressure, bruise, scratch, stinging, heat, ache, throb etc. And if you need to use a category term switch pain out in favour of ‘Discomfort’.

4. Witness births where people are working through their sensations and smiling in between, where faces express power, strength, calm, confidence, connection. This provides balance to your expectation of what labour might feel like.

DURING LABOUR

1. Shut off the outside world...go deep within yourself and allow everything else to just fall away. 

2. Move your body. Use your space however instinctively feels right.

3. Trust your baby.

4. Trust your body.

5. Trust your instincts.

A L L • T H E • F E E L S

Do you want to understand your birthing physiology, become an expert in emotional control and rediscover a path to optimising your ability to listen to your body and respond? Discover my Hypnobirthing Birthing Programme for some hypnobirthing in Norfolk.

Orgasmic Birth

Back in 2017 I was chatting with the inspirational founders of The Hotbed Collective about orgasms. It just so happens to be one of my favourite topics….vaginas + pleasure…how could it not be. They asked me to share my experience of orgasms and birth and I wrote the following piece which was originally posted on The Hotbed Collective website.

Here it is:

I grasped his arm as another thrusting wave gripped my legs and began to ripple up my body. My upper thighs tingled. Warmth spread throughout my vagina until every inch of me throbbed. From the surface of my naked skin to the very depths of my soft core and I couldn't feel one body part as distinct from another. As the power of the surging waves grew I fell into a state of otherworldliness of raging pleasure and piercing intensity until, at the very peak, I gasped.

Pulsing. Tensing. Opening.

Until finally, with one incredible body shaking, thigh wobbling, orgasmic breath I opened fully and released. I felt a familiar wave of ecstatic relief and utter exhaustion that only follows a climax of incredible sensual magnitude. Except this time it was different. I looked up at my husband...but he wasn't there.

 He was below me, his hands between my legs, lifting our baby up to me.

Rewind several months and you would have seen me sitting at my computer reading the entire internet's offerings on birth. I stumbled across an article on 'Ecstatic birth' and I distinctly remember chuckling out loud in disbelief. I think I even muttered something like 'freak ass women!' to the screen. Then as my basic understanding of the birthing hormone oxytocin grew, the notion of a pleasurable birth seemed less ridiculous. But to be honest, it still seemed something more likely experienced by the woo brigade or some sort of masturbating champion who can flick their bean to high heaven in any situation.

Kudos. Then it happened to me.

My first labour was simple. I woke up with mild contractions, then my waters went. By lunchtime  I was at the hospital and in the birth pool. After 2hrs and a half hours of 'active' labour I got out to go to the loo and instead of having the massive wee I was fully expecting, a tiny human head began to pop out. Throughout labour my contractions had been tiring but I had felt no pain and no discomfort. Just a full body ripple that took over and shook me deep inside, not too dissimilar to the sensations of an intense orgasm rising, and then suddenly disappearing before climax. But it was the moment my son travelled through my vagina and into the world that the full surging climax came.

Two years and five days after my first birth, I was standing in the nursery in our home. Again I was holding onto my husband and again, I was feeling those same intense pleasurable sensations as my rocket baby was arriving. I guess my deepest confession is that I didn't want it to end, so I drew him back up again inside me just for a moment, to prolong the climax. Both times there had been no bean flicking, no nipple tweaking, nothing. Actually, there hadn't been for a while; in the latter stages of both pregnancies my body frankly felt plenty full enough thank you very much. I was far from a sexual being.

It's incredibly hard to clearly describe the sensations of my ecstatic births. They had all the trademarks of an orgasm and the language I use is sexual in nature but they're the only words I have. I am well aware that my first paragraph reads like a cheap erotic novel (minus the last sentence!). In reality, it wasn't sexual or erotic. The same sensations and pleasure minus the sensuality. It is as if I were travelling some sort of invisible sensory road between piercing, shattering intensity and a roaring ocean of surging non sexual pleasure. I didn't feel sexy, I felt gloriously functional. I didn't do any of my normal erotic reflexes like arching my neck or flicking my hair as I might during erotic climax, instead my body bore down and pushed a baby out. Same same but different. 

So giving birth to my baby made me cum. Sounds seriously weird doesn't it?

That is why I rarely talk about it (not exactly a story to wheel out at my son's 18th either). I do feel like a freak. What kind of perverse fetishist orgasms whilst doing this thing that so many people fervently describe to be the most horrific moment of a woman's life? It's not exactly something I could chat about with my antenatal girlfriends. As we sat around rocking our newborns like automative robots, our faces draculian white through lack of sleep, I had the rosy post sex tinge still on my cheeks. How can I share that not only do I love giving birth, I had an orgasm to rival the best shag of my life! I was acutely aware of not wanting to upset any one with my story. I didn't want to boast, I just wanted to share my truth. I also remember how judgemental and dismissive I was when I read those ecstatic birth stories and now I cringe at how cruel and disrespectful I had been to those women.

Since my joyful births, my sex life has had a serious promotion. My orgasms are frankly blinding. I am more sensitive, more aware of every vibration and more erotically connected than ever before. Every erogenous zone has been awoken and now they work in harmonising glory. My poor neighbours.

I can't tell you how to have an ecstatic birth because frankly, I haven't a clue. But what I can say is that it isn't just reserved for the spiritually connected or the sexually confident. It can happen to anyone. 

And I wish with every fibre of my being that it happens for you.

This blog can also be found here: The Hotbed Collective

DADDYING IT: How to be a top notch birth partner

So she's pregnant. Now what?!

You have a few months to start preparing for the arrival of your tiny human so take a deep breath and take it slow. Let yourself acclimatise to this new promotion to fatherhood, you're going to be amazing.

You may not be physically growing your child but you still have a vital role in pregnancy and birth. 

So what can you do?

Firstly I'm going to qualify all of this with a bit of science. So we all have hormones surging round our bodies but OXYTOCIN is a magic juice for women. It was present in her body when you made your baby and it's the hormone that powers through labour and birth making the muscles of the uterus work with masterful efficiency. It also has huge role to play in her daily life with her deep connections and stress management. 

When you show her love, when she feels a rush of connection with you, oxytocin is present in her body making her feel great and creating superb bonds between you both as you enter a new phase of your life. A SUPER bonus is that oxytocin crosses the placenta wall and into your baby resulting in a happy, calm and emotionally nourished baby.  

HOW CAN I PREPARE FOR BIRTH?

• Reading and researching

A good bit of filling your brain with useful pregnancy, birth and parenting information will fill you with confidence. When you start researching a topic, you'll begin to discover the answer to questions you never realised you had. As you understand about what is happening to her body and your baby, your relationship with the process will deepen and you'll have a wealth of knowledge to call upon as you go through the journey of pregnancy and birth together. 

Be warned though, there's a lot of frankly patronising and sexist material out there aimed at fathers-to-be, so try before you buy ;).

• Listening

It's no secret that women like to chat. But it actually goes beyond that. Talking things through is how women manage their anxiety and this is intrinsically linked to the hormone responses in their bodies. The aim of the game is to keep those delicious oxytocin levels up and just sitting, listening to her is a super easy and effective way that you can do this. The testosterone in you will activate your desire to 'fix it'. Resist the urge to fix anything. Just listen, make the right noises and validate her feelings. Her brain will be awash with oxytocin and you'll gain great insight into her fears, desires and wishes for labour and birth. 

• Planning

Chat with your partner about the kind of birthing experience you both want. Use your new found knowledge of her feelings and birth to formulate some birth preferences that are right for all of you. As you discuss building your ultimate birth squad, you might want to explore the option of a Doula who can support you all preparing for birth, during birth and afterwards.

• Touch and massage

Whilst we have always known this, recent research has proven that human touch is a natural pain relief. And because of your relationship with your partner, your very touch will create a hormonal response in her. Endorphins (the body's natural pain relief) and oxytocin will fill her body and cross over into baby. She'll feel calmer, happier, supported and safe. Hugging her regularly throughout will make her feel great and deepen your relationship. Caressing her bump is a great way for you to bond with your unborn baby...you may even get some kicks in response (from baby, not her!). Light massage has an even greater positive effect.

• Preparation

Whenever possible, go to midwife, hospital or consultant appointments as well as scans. I also recommend attending antenatal preparation classes together. Courses like hypnobirthing will teach you a lot about how to become the ultimate birthing team. Another great course is Birthing4Blokes, an online preparation course written specifically for men by a male midwife (it's fab!). 

HOW CAN I SUPPORT HER DURING LABOUR AND BIRTH?

As her oxytocin levels increase in labour, your testosterone levels will do so also leading to an increased need to 'do something'. Here are some active ways to support your partner.

• Keeper of the birth zone

It's your very important role to ensure that the birthing environment is safe and nurturing. You will have chatted about how she wants the space to be: maybe dimmed lights, comfort, people in the room etc.

• Take care of yourself

In order to care for your partner, you need to care for yourself. To maintain your energy eat, drink and take some breaks...don't forget to pack your own snack filled hospital bag too :).

• Take care of her

Prompt her to eat and drink to keep her energy up and remind her to have a wee every now and then.

• Oxytocin booster

Your voice, your touch, your smell, are all reminders of safety, home, passion, comfort. Your nurturing presence and attentiveness will help keep her calm and maintain her oxytocin levels. Breathe with her, sway with her, hold her and tell her how amazing she is.

But your most vital role, is being the expert on her. You are the only one in the room that knows her thoughts, who can read her cues and who knows what you both want for you and your baby. Trust yourself and your instincts.

YOUR TINY HUMAN IS HERE: I'M A DAD!

• Ensure that your partner remains safe and nurtured during that first hour of motherhood (aptly named 'the Golden Hour') so that she can continue to ride her oxytocin high for as long as possible.

• Just 'be' in this moment. Hold fire with those announcement texts, tweets, emails, facebook status', snapchats, telegrams etc.

• Your baby knows you already but deepen that bond further by whipping off your shirt for some newborn skin to skin cuddles.

There are lots of wonderful things that come out of your involvement in the birthing process. But most powerfully, you are giving your family the very best start. 

Your new little team. 

#win

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This post was originally written for Norwich Mumbler: Local Parenting Community.  You can find this article and so much more info in this brilliant ebook (click on the image for the link):